Rainbows, Butterflies and My Breastfeeding Saga

Being true to you, authentically you, the loudest you - is the greatest gift you can offer the world.

I suppose since my pregnancy and delivery was magical even with eh hum, hemorrhoids, and two tears, it’s only natural my post-birth plan would go awry... (I intentionally mention hemorrhoids at this point in the post so you can stop reading now if you think it's TMI ;)

God, grant me the serenity.



I gave birth Thursday, May 23rd at 6:26pm. Within the hour, baby had a successful latch and our lactation consultants were pleased w/ the outlook for little man.

We were released from the hospital Saturday afternoon. I’d visited w/ lactation each day, and everything looked good (Except my bleeding, cracked nipples and the toe curling, take-your-breath-away pain that accompanied feeding times).


By Sunday afternoon at home, little guy was frustrated, unusually fussy, no longer latching and had very little urine output and no bowel movements. Then he spiked a fever of 100.8 - the on call pediatrician informed us that for infants under two months, with a fever over 100.5, the protocol is to go to the ER. So we did, and Lennon was admitted for the next 36 hours at minimum.

There we learned he was dehydrated, and I was not producing anything for him. Not even colostrum. I began working with lactation again and started pumping. We also started supplementing formula. Lennon drank the entire first bottle offered to him. Poor guy was so hungry and thirsty. He’s been an eager eater since.

(All tests and cultures came back negative. He was given antibiotics and an antiviral just to be safe).


A week later, I’ve cried the last 6/7 days, mourning the experience of breastfeeding. I’ve pumped every 2-3 hours to no avail, eaten two dozen lactation cookies, drank lactation tea, and continued to let our baby latch. Unfortunately, he’ll only try to nurse for about a minute now, as opposed to his former 30, before wanting a bottle.


Next step is to get my prolactin levels checked. My lactation consultants are perplexed. Especially since I leaked milk two months ago, one could presume the pipes were working.



God grant me the serenity.



Am I devastated? Yes. Was this the plan? No.... it comes back to trust and faith in my higher power and His plan. This is something I don’t have control over. What I do have control of is my attitude. Gratitude. I’m grateful hubs and I can take shifts; I can take naps and leave the house. Giving me the ability to keep sight of my recovery (from alcoholism -3.5 yrs and an eating disorder - apx 7-8yrs), mental health, and not get lost in the responsibilities of being a new - nursing - mom. 

Lennon has surpassed his birth weight and is a happy, content baby. Sleeping up to four hours after a big bottle.

I do not feel like I’ve failed, in any way. I know I’m doing my best. I’m just sad to miss out on the experience.


So we do lots of skin to skin instead, and I’ll never stop giving my baby as much love and affection as possible.

Fed is best.

I think it’s important to know what you want, visualize it and be an active co-creator in life, but it’s also equally important to manage expectations and remain in the flow.





All photo credit: Melissa Ferguson Photography 


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